My View On Mamahood So Far
Let me first start by saying that in all honesty I never really saw myself as a mother, I never wanted kids.
Flash forward (thank god) I became a mother! The day my son was born was the most painful (yes I broke and got an epidural, judge on if you will) and most amazing day of my life. I chose to watch my son be born so the nurse wheeled a mirror in front of me. Yes you read that right. I chose to watch and honestly it was the most empowering 3 hours of pushing I have ever experienced!
The moment Jack was born and placed on my chest I just couldn’t stop kissing him and talking to him, my life was forever changed and I had NO idea a love like this existed.
Those first few nights home from the hospital I was such a good first time mommy. Waking up to track which side he fed off last and for how long. I honestly didn’t mind the constant waking and being attached to my body every hour on the hour… Seven days passed and I realized that I started to lose my shit.
Sleep deprivation is literally no joke, I mean why do you think they do it as a torture tactic to prisoners!?
After a few weeks of being up every hour to nurse it really started to take it’s toll and the “crazy” Natalie came out.
It's truly a crazy thing to realize that all of those moments you cherished by yourself like peeing, brushing your teeth, coloring in your eyebrows, sex (not by yourself LOL), etc… were honestly something you could only remember in a dream.
You become a slave to this little tiny baby who needs you constantly and will decide he’s hungry just as you pull up to Nordstrom Rack so you feed him in the backseat. Go inside and he loses his shit so you end up in the handicap stall still in your pajamas breastfeeding with one high heel on from the shoe department. That is literally a true story.
But as you are standing there breastfeeding with one high heel on in a handicap stall you look down and this beautiful tiny baby that you grew in your body and birthed into this world and he looks up at you and smiles, you lose it. Tears streamed down my face as I felt so much love come over me for this miracle I was holding in my arms.
That’s the crazy thing about motherhood that nobody tells you about, it’s the feeling of you have it all together and this baby is so amazing and then in a split second your husband is home from work and you’ve locked yourself in the downstairs bathroom with a tumbler full of chardonnay. Also a true story.
I think that is what it’s all about though, being a mother and raising a child is the most amazing gift there is and I am certain of that, but it’s fucking hard as hell and makes you question everything. But what an amazing reward when you look at your baby.
I literally die inside a thousand times over because I love my son so much that I cry as I write this thinking about how I would do anything for him. It’s a high like you’ve never experienced, either that or you’re high from Starbucks because you never F-ing sleep. No, it’s a high, it’s a love that knows no bounds.
Once this kid goes to bed I literally find myself looking at pictures on my phone of him, and then staring at the monitor wishing in a sick way he’d wake up so I could snuggle him one last time for the day… UGH mental!? I know, but the love is so real.
I know I am only 5 months in but becoming a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The day Jack was born my life became complete, I finally knew what my true purpose was in life, and that was to be his mother.
Through the crying breakdowns for both mother and child, explosive diapers in public and for making one of my boobs slightly bigger than the other it is all worth it.
For every mother-to-be and every current mother with the same if not more experience than me, being a “mother” is something I say with pride and something that I will forever cherish as I watch my beautiful baby boy grow.
What an incredible thing it is to be a mama.