Let’s chat about the shit no one bothers to tell you about after you deliver…
I mean you can tuck those skimpy undies away in the back of the drawer and bring out the granny panties and a big old maxi pad to go with it.
Today there is nothing off limits, we are covering it all from nipple cream to lube to adult diapers. I wish I had known what to be prepared for after I gave birth, so here ya go.
- When your milk comes in: Let’s just say that I have never been one to take a boob job off the table for myself, but after my milk came in I definitely reconsidered. No one tells you that when your milk comes in your boobs become two huge bolts on your chest. They hurt, they are swollen and theres a baby who is pulling on them every hour on the hour. I remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking if this is what fake boobs would look and feel like then I’m going to pass. Also they say you can take a hot shower and try to massage your boobs to help with the swelling… well when you get out of the shower and bend over to dry your legs off, out of nowhere your boobs turn into two lactating drinking fountains leaking everywhere. Good news, they go down and the pain goes away and you have pretty nice cleavage for awhile.
- Breastfeeding: Soothing gel packs, nipple cream, and a comfy nursing bra if you wear a bra at all, and some disposable nipple pads is what you’ll need. It’s no joke when people tell you to make sure your baby gets “the proper latch” because your nipples will be swollen and bruised and PAINFUL otherwise. You will want some lanolin and soothing gel packs for your nipples to put on in between feedings during those first few days. I loved this lanolin and these gel packs(100% vegan nipple cream/butter is here). Hold on to the nipple cream because 7 months down the road your nipples may become chapped, like WTF who ever thought they would say, “my nipples are chapped”, well, you will. So keep those babies lubed up.
- Adult Diapering: You will have the pleasure of wearing the latest and most trendiest of adult diapers. Your adult diaper can contain a huge maxi pad, an ice pack, maybe some tucks pads and some hydrocortisone cream. It’s like a facial for your vagina all packed into a diaper, only to be changed each time you go to the bathroom. SO. FUN. You will also want to stock up on heavy flow maxi pads for when you get home and some granny panties to put them in. I know it sounds crazy but honestly an ice pack down there post birth feels amazing so think about that too. My hospital gave me a few disposable ones to take home so ASK.
- Vagina: It’s like if someone had told me that I would be squirting my vagina with a water bottle after I went to the bathroom, I may have rethought this whole getting pregnant thing. But, that is exactly what you will be doing. They should teach that in sex ed and maybe teen pregnancy would go down? You’re also probably going to get a prescription for stool softener which is uber sexy. But everything goes back to normal in no time.
- Sex: I mean like this is really at the forefront of your mind, but guess who's mind this is at the forefront of? Yep, that guy that got you into this hot mess. Your partner is counting down those 6 weeks like he’s waiting for a conjugal visit in prison (sorry was that too much?). And hey, maybe your super down to get it on a crackin again too, but either way you will eventually have sex again and when you do it will hurt like fucking hell. BUY LUBE! Honestly this was a lifesaver piece of advice from our birthing coach. Get some good old Astro Glide and get things lubed up before you do anything because it’s going to be a feeling that is far from sexy. It hurts. But the more you do it the better it gets, but always use the lube!
And the MOST IMPORTANT thing that no one can prepare you for is the life changing LOVE that comes over you when you see your baby for the first time. Oh My God. There is nothing like that feeling. I love my son more than anything I could have ever dreamed of. All the pain and discomfort following birth is ALL worth it when you finally have that sweet newborn baby in your arms.
I hope you got a few tips and a few laughs and mamas if I have missed anything please share!!