Do you ever question becoming a mother?
The immediate answer is no. But the realistic answer is sometimes yes. Is that a bad thing? I love Jack with all my heart but sometimes I feel like I could just snap. Yesterday was one of those days. I know there’s some mamas out there that can relate. So here’s how it went down.
After I am done teaching Stroller Strides I let Jack crawl around on the playground with the other babies for a bit but he’s been falling asleep in the car on the way home which messes with my shower time. So I left extra early so I could get Jack home and put him down for a nap so I could shower and eat something. Well… he FELL ASLEEP IN THE CAR! UGH!
I sat in my driveway for a few minutes and decided I was going to try to transfer him and all the moms out there know this is a bitch to do. I got half way into his room and he woke up crying so I immediately put him in his crib for nap.
He cried for a solid 30 minutes and he wasn’t budging so I went down and pulled him out. But not before I cried a little myself and screamed FUCK into the couch pillow. I felt guilty for doing this but I know he doesn’t know he’s being a pain.
He continued to follow me around the house crying and all that would calm him was me holding him. “Omg so sweet I love that” you’re probably thinking, ya it is fucking sweet but today was not the day!
I just kept thinking to myself why won’t he nap good, why can’t I get out of my sweaty exercise clothes, why am I really considering pouring a glass of wine at 11am, am I an alcoholic? Why the fuck isn’t my husband here to help me from having a nervous breakdown and running away?
As crazy and as irrational as some of those thoughts were they were real thoughts and I know some of us have had similar ones.
I literally put him in the bathroom with me while I took and shower (quickly) and he cried the whole time and unraveled an entire roll of toilet paper. I may have yelled fuck really loud which then caused me to cry because I felt awful for doing that.
I was so envious of when I could shower long enough to shave my legs or make myself lavish lunches without someone crying because they need to be entertained.
I was honestly thinking why did I decide to become a mother? I used to be so selfish and I miss that.
But kids have the power to make all of that crazy thinking disappear as soon as it enters your mind it’s quickly gone.
I looked down at this small little guy with the blondest hair I’ve ever seen and his big blue eyes and I was feeling guilty for thinking those thoughts. I love this little pain in the ass so much.
That’s the thing about motherhood, it is fucking nuts. You go through really high highs and really low lows, but it truly is all worth it in the end.
So if you are feeling overwhelmed you’re not alone and if you’re thinking about running away or checking yourself into the Betty Ford center you’re not alone.
We are in this motherhood thing together! It’s not always pretty but it’s worth it! I would encourage you to find your local mom hangouts or playgroups and make friends. Having a group of moms to bitch to is life changing.
Love you mama!