Let's be honest here after you have a baby your sex life and romance in general ain’t what it used to be, and no one talks about it. No one talks about how difficult it can be on a marriage or relationship to have a child.
Your life changes in ways you never thought it would. Sure people tell you, “your life is about to totally change once you have that baby”, but wtf does that mean? No one digs deeper. Maybe they don’t want to share their personal struggles and we are all supposed to think our relationship after baby is just like the movies.
Well, it’s not a movie.
Having a baby has been my greatest accomplishment in every area of my life. I love being a mom and literally did not know or feel the purpose of life until I gave birth to one. With that said it can totally change your relationship with your spouse in the best way and in a way you weren’t prepared for.
As a new mom you’re tired in a way you never knew existed, mentally and physically drained. If you are nursing you’re literally drained on the hour every hour in the beginning. You completely lose your sense of self, you lose privacy, and sometimes you lose your sex drive, or the desire to put on makeup and do your hair… the list can go on.
A girlfriend once told me when you have a baby you have a funeral for your former life, it’s not all lipsticks and happy hours anymore.
This is so true.
I am not writing this to be a Debbie Downer but to paint a realistic picture of how I felt becoming a mom for the first time and how other moms have shared with me that they’ve felt.
With all the new responsibilities and craziness and beautifulness of having a baby it’s inevitable that your relationship with your partner will change.
It’s not like you can just meet up after work for happy hour and have one too many margaritas and go home and have sex in the kitchen. You have a baby that goes to bed during happy hour and you often have to nurse that baby before bed.
For me there came resentment at times that my husband could go to work and get a coffee, not in the drive thru at Starbucks but inside, without a carseat on his arm. I was almost jealous that he could run errands or meet his boss for a drink, not because I wanted to go with, but because he was hands free with no responsibility of the baby in that moment. It’s a weird feeling to feel and I really struggled with why I was feeling that way. My husband is an amazing partner and father and would literally do anything I ask and he helps so much with the baby, but I chose to stay at home and he works so I can. I am blessed that is my life, I just had no idea how it would make me feel in the beginning.
Your sex life can change too and that’s always a fun conversation. When you’re nursing all day the last thing you want to do is have anyone else touch those bad boys. You get the picture.
Cause girl let me tell you, being sleep deprived makes me irritable and I know I can be a tad feisty with super low annoyance levels...anyone else?
Some days does it ever feel like all your partner does is get on your nerves? It’s fine, it’s totally normal.
Romance can be a hard thing to keep alive when you are tired and beaten down from the day. Staying at home to raise a tiny person is truly incredible and fucking nuts all at the same time.
I wanted to put together a few fun ideas to keep it romantic while still being normal parents who don’t have a live-in nanny...cause sometimes you can’t always bribe your mom to come stare at a baby monitor for hours while you go out.
- Play music. Not like literally start a band (unless you’re into that) but instead of putting the tv on find a sexy playlist and put it on in the background while you talk or make dinner. Changing the mood like this is super effective.
Check-in with each other. Decide you will talk about how each of your days were and really listen to the other person so they feel heard. Like sit down face to face and share your day. That makes them feel special. Decide to talk about the baby maybe half the time LOL #sohardtodo
Make dinner TOGETHER. Find a fun recipe, put the baby to bed and cook together. A little team building exercise is fun and hot.
Work on something together. Find a craft (don’t laugh) or a project that you both want to do and do it. It doesn’t all have to get done in one night but it’s something out of the norm you can do over a glass of wine, or if you’re like me, the bottle.
Write each other a gratitude love list. Write down 5-10 things you love and find sexy or attractive/ turn on about the other person. There is scientific studies that prove this changes the way our brain works.
It’s easy to get lost in a routine and your day-to-day. It’s crucial to bring back some of that romance between just the TWO of you. Relationships will always be work and having a baby makes it f-ing intense, but you have to nurture your marriage still, just like you do that baby.
Your relationship needs love and patience and kindness and wine and maybe a new purse…
Cheers to having more sex and less arguments!